World Cup of Clichés

"It's those plucky little Africans' chance to show the world that Africa has changed."

That's roughly what the coverage of this year's World Cup in South Africa amounts to. That and a few other worn-out clichés.

First, there's the idea that this tournament somehow tells us something about 'Africa' (imagine the ludicrousness in claiming that hosting a competition in, say, Thailand would give 'Asia' the chance to prove that human rights are being being respected by 'Asians'). Then there's the big question what change means in this context: Changed from what and to what?

I suspect that as long as cameras show a few smiling six-year-olds smiling in a township saying 'Welcome to South Africa' and the tournament goes smoothly (global revenue for Nike et al goes up; happy faces in the crows; perhaps one or two reaffirming culturally stereotypical incidents in downtown Joburg), then everyone will feel better about themselves. That's until the next problem (anywhere in Africa), which will then be met with consternation and patronage (I thought 'they' had changed!).

I'm not entirely sure what I expect from the coverage, but what I've seen so far doesn't bode well. How can reports on South Africa be treated with such generalisations (it's Africa's World Cup) and be so vague without being torn apart by someone, anyone watching reports on the build-up? Apartheid is mentioned in some vague, abstract terms; something that happened in a distant past and (just like colonialism, of course) has no connection to the present. For some unknown reason, the Dutch will enjoy strong support in South Africa, we are told, though we are never told why that might be and what that tells us about South Africa (not 'Africa').

Then the clichéd predictions. As with every World Cup, the pundits (in the British press, though not exclusively so, of course) get paid to simply rank the teams in order of FIFA ranking and boldly pronounce that this is exactly how things will transpire. The top team of each group will indeed finish top who will then go and progress to the quarters. Of course this never ever happens.

As such, everyone simply lists Spain, Brazil, Argentina, and the jingo vote for England. Firstly, how anybody can seriously believe England will win the World Cup (or even get through to the semis) is beyond me. They are a typical potential quarter-finalist, but no more. And then there are the 'cupsets'. Spain have been playing the most free-flowing football of perhaps the last 30 years, but something (like Brazil '82) tells me they will get knocked out in the quarters (mas o menos). Argentina are the great unknown (they could lose all three matches, or win the lot). Brazil, yes, I think Brazil are in with a real chance.

But the British press, as usual, discount Italy and Germany (this time, they won't get through to the semis, unlike glorious England). So here's a frightening statistic for you: Since 1966 (annus mirabilis) Germany have always finished at least one round ahead of England. I predict that this run will continue this time round, too. Italy will somehow stumble their way to the quarters and semis, the Dutch might for once get far.

As far as potential surprises are concerned, well, we are told by pundits that Chile play well, so we can discount them. So here's a list: Uruguay, Serbia, Cameroon (James' Avatar, David's not-defeat, now this?), Algeria. Note: I said potential. And Chile might yet still have a chance.

One last quibble: The Group of Death. Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast, North Korea is not the group of death, despite claims to the contrary. Brazil will handsomely win this group and whoever wins the first match between Portugal and Ivory Coast will come second (only to be knocked out instantly, since both teams aren't really up for it). Groups of Death must be evenly-matched where one can imagine any combination of two going through. These groups include Group A (France, South Africa, Uruguay, Mexico), Group B (Argentina, South Korea, Greece, Nigeria; what a group!), Group D (Germany, Australia, Ghana, Serbia) and Group E (Netherlands, Japan, Cameroon, Denmark). England and Italy have the easiest groups.

Enjoy.

PS: It's ok, though, because Shakira is leading the way in empowering Africans, and we know that her lips don't lie.